Postpartum (and mid-PhD) depression and me

I have postpartum depression.

Forgive any typos, as I write this with one hand while nursing to sleep my 4 month old baby who is presently smack dab in the niddmiddle of a dreaded sleep regression.


I shouldn't be surprised by my diagnosis. It is hardly a rare occurrence among new mothers in the 21st century. It is particularly difficult (and commom) among this generation, I think, because of the great expectations placed upon us by our capitalistic social mores, and our own desires to disprove the stereotypes placed upon the millenial brood.

We (I) feel like we are supposed to be able to make a living, get an education, start a family, and stay out of debt, while the cost of living ever rises, and the respect and economic pay-off one gets for having an advanced degree ever diminishes.

On top of this, we (I) feel the pressure of the ticking time-bomb that represents that tiny window in which we (I) can reasonably expect to start and raise our family before the pressures of an academic career become such that any immense distraction (like pregnancy, child-birth, and caring for an infant) would ultimately spell our (my) demise.

The last 3 months have been the hardest months of my life, by far. I like to think that had I birthed a baby who slept all the time, and didn't cry for literal hours and hours each day, that I eouwo not be struggling to overcome postpartum depression right now. Maybe that is the case, but more likely, like so many women before and after me, I probably would have experienced it anyhow. The feeling of inadequacy, the anxiety over my own gealhe and that of my baby, the fear of doing too much, or too little, or the wrong thing altogether, taunt my every moment spent with this beautiful little child.

But things get gradually better as I begin to grapple with the reality that this is my life now. Sleepless nights, and days spent bouncing and nursing a baby who sometimes just won't be consoled, are the rule rather than the exception. And with the help of my family, friends, and my husband I am slowly becoming someone that I want to be around again.

Unfortunately, now that I begin to see the light at the end of the postpartum tunnel, the fact that my PhD comprehensive exams are fast approaching takes center stage in my mind, creating a whole new set of anxieties and concerns that had been waiting patiently to arise while my mind, body, and soul were otherwise occupied (keeping myself together enough to make it through each painful, colicky day). So, as one problem becomes manageable, so comes another.

But again, with the help of my family, friends, and my husband, I will be able to get through this as well, and find a way to read this stack of books on gender theory, childhood studies, and masculinity, while taking some very special time to enjoy my amazing, ever-changing, challenging, and increasingly spirited baby.