How to spot a douchenozzle: A practical guide Part 1

Oh my gosh people piss me off sometimes. You know what I mean, don't you? You're sitting on your couch watching binge watching That 70s Show for the fifth time (at least) and you're scrolling through facebook and some person on your "friends" list has shared this photo:

And you can't help it, but your blood starts to boil. You try to hold yourself back, and you are, for once, successful. Maybe its that your handsome boyfriend is sitting next to you talking about how awesome it is to live in a democratic country where people are accepted no matter what their cultural heritage, or maybe its the double chocolate oatmeal cookie you're scarfing down, but your blood stops boiling and you take a deep breath. But then, the next morning when you're scrolling through facebook again, trying to find our what people are thinking about the debate that happened the night before and your see that the very person who posted the above image has shared a link to a Toronto Sun article about a teenage boy who disguised himself as a niqabi woman and bought alcohol from three different LCBOs in Toronto. Now you don't have your handsome, accepting, vegan boyfriend beside you, and instead of a double chocolate cookie you're drinking a disgusting green smoothie that taste like death even though its supposed to bring you health and vitality and boom! Volcano! You try to stop yourself but its like there is this rampaging feminist, vegan, political activist gremlin inside you that you just fed after midnight and got wet and a waterfall of ranting irritation spills out of you onto his facebook page. And now, you're pretty sure everyone who is friends with him on facebook thinks you're a crazy bitch and you realize that your points are so obviously going to be lost on him and that letting it upset you was such a waste of time...but its too late baby. The seal is broken.

C'mon. We've all been there. Right?

Okay, maybe its just me.

But seriously. When did all these people on my facebook "friends" list become racist conservative buttbags? Did I miss something? Were there warning signs that I missed when befriending them?

Well, after giving it some serious thought I've realized that there weren't just warning signs; there were huge neon, glowing, sometimes flashing warning signs...accompanied by sirens and fireworks. But somehow I glossed over them in my reading of these people.

So, I've produced this list as a helpful guide for all of you who have experienced this same thing; it is for those of us who have befriended people, not noticing at first that they were just not good people.

How to spot a Xenophobe:

1. When you are having a conversation with someone and they at any time begin a conversation with "I'm not racist but..." then chances are, you are dealing with a racist. Anything not racist does not have to be prefaced with "I'm not racist"...you know, because it will so obviously not be racist.
2. When you meet someone and they tell you that they don't find _________ skin coloured people sexually appealing, then chances are you are dealing with a racist. You don't have to walk around telling people who you find attractive, and the fact that you feel the need to point out to me that you don't think Obama is sexy as hell (really?! c'mon...look at him!) because you just don't find black people attractive is a sure sign that you're kind of racist. Plus one point if they start their declaration of sexual distaste with "I'm not a racist but..."
3. If you're talking to someone and they are complaining about how they can't find a job and then they mention illegal immigration in the same sentence, then you're probably dealing with a xenophobe. For example "It really grinds my gears that here I am unemployed when there are people coming here from ______(insert country name) without any papers taking all the good paying jobs from hard working Canadians". Really, unemployed butthead? You really want that job working on the mushroom farm that pays minimum wage and demands 60 hours a week of back breaking labour in order to support your entire family and send money home to the rest of your family in ________(insert country name) to help them come over here to get a "better life" where they can also working 60 hours a week at a mushroom farm doing backbreaking labour for minimum wage? Well, I guess illegal immigrants really are the reason you can't find a job in banking. That makes PERFECT bloody sense. 
4. If anyone you know says anything similar to "Canada for Canadians"....then, you guessed it, they are probably a xenophobe. This whole line of reasoning is so deeply flawed. A little anecdote: an (ex)friend once told me that he didn't like it that Toronto was so multicultural because it was like Canadians were a minority there. I asked him to explain and he said that it was like for everyone white person there were five non-white people. WHAAATTT?! Turns out all Canadians are white, and all white people in Toronto are Canadian. Good to know, buddy. 
5. If your friend tells you that they love Indian women because they are always so beautiful and have the nicest skin...guess what...they're also xenophobic! This one might sound a little weird to you because you are thinking but I said I LOVE them, but there is this little thing that this guy Said termed "Orientalism" where we have a tendency to exoticize an entire culture or people based on our limited experience/knowledge. The uncritical exaltation of any culture, people, skin colour, language, or religion is xenophobic, friends. So don't get annoyed when I call you racist for being "super jealous of all the black women at [your] college because they all have the nicest legs/butts/hair/skin/singing voices"; because guess what...that's xenophobia my dear. 
6. If your talking to someone about national politics and they uncritically keep referring back to ISIS or the terrorist scourge, or the problem of the burqa, then they are most definitely xenophobic.
7. If any of the above people don't understand that a hijab, niqab, burqa and chador are different things, then not only are your dealing with xenophobe, but you're also dealing with an uninformed idiot. 

Here is an example of the perfect interaction with one of these people:

Xenophobe: I'm not racist or anything but its just that I don't really find black people attractive. I mean, like, but Indian women, they are all super hot. But yeah, so what I was saying earlier about national security, we really have to keep the terrorists out, you know? So we should ban the burqa and make sure that ISIS can't get a stronghold in Canada. And its like a win win because then real Canadians, you know, like white ones, can keep the good jobs too. 

You: *Dropkick*

I usually don't condone violence, but like, maybe it could be a metaphorical drop-kick. I suggest you scroll through your facebook feed right now and delete anyone who makes the above mistakes. You don't need that negative, nasty, idiotic, and downright intolerant bullshit in your life. I don't care that you went to primary school with them, or that their your uncle, or that you like the Chuck Norris memes they post. Drop them like a dirty rag baby. You're better than that.

Oh, and if you catch yourself doing any of the above, stop it! Just because you don't fancy yourself a racist doesn't mean you're incapable of xenophobia. Catch the bad habit now before other people start taking my advice and delete you from their friends list. 

Happy Wednesday!

-J