RIP Sweet Boy

Our dear sweet Toojoh passed away this morning after suffering a stroke last night. He got to spend his final night curled up in the arms of his human. 

The loss of this sweet creature is sad beyond words. 

We love you and miss you, Toojoh. We are so lucky that we got to spend a few weeks with this happy, loving, and cuddly dog. 

Getting Back on Track (also: great coffee, planning another move, and a cute cat)

Spending the last few weeks with Toojoh was certainly stressful, but getting up with him every morning, feeding him, taking him to the vet, and giving him his medicine gave me a purpose for a while. I was told yesterday morning that he is going downhill quite quickly, and that he does not have much time left. I wish I could do more. It is good that he has gotten to spend his last days with him human momma, but I am sad for her that she has to see him so unwell.

In spite of this, I am trying to get back on track with the things I had set aside while caring for him. This means in the last couple days I've graded 30 final papers for my Political Theory class, edited two documents for clients, met another client for a tutoring session, written half of a report for a consultation I'm doing for a local non-profit, and written 6 pages of my thesis. Manic Johanna is on her way back! This is the upside of manic depression, the highs are so damn productive.

VOMD and I also discovered some AMAZING coffee that you can buy at Metro of all places. Its an Ontario company called Muskoka, and holy smokes is it yummy. I'm usually not a big fan of flavoured coffee - give me a nice light to medium roast, with mid to low acidity and a splash of almond milk and I'm a happy camper - but we got this maple coffee and daaaannnng it's delicious.

 My coffee photo shoot turned into a cat photo shoot. George never lets me take photos in the house without getting involved.

We're also planning our move at the end of April to a new house - one with a Drive Way! And a Back Yard! and a Basement! We're pretty excited about this new adventure and can't wait for all our animal companions to have more room to roam, especially Tobi the bunny who has been confined to one room for the last year or so. Now she'll have her own whole bunny-proofed room full of bunny toys and places to hide, and she'll have access to most of the house as well during the day while we're home so she can get her exercise and enjoy some much needed freedom.

So, some sad news and some glad news. We're working our way forward.

Happy Tuesday

-J

How to procrastinate

Everyone is writing about how to study effectively and how to ensure you are being as efficient as possible. Why is it I can't find a thorough guide to putting off everything until tomorrow?

These last few weeks have been heart melting and while I should have been focusing on a million other things, I basically just took care of Toojoh and cried a lot. I still stuck with my work commitments, but my thesis was shoved aside. Now that Toojoh has returned home to his human (where he is doing okay, except still vomiting daily) I should be able to get back to my thesis, but the inspiration is just not there. I have plenty of time left to complete it, so the pressure isn't really on, and so I've spent the last few days focusing on reinvesting in some friendships, catching up on some sleep, taste testing some local beers, and cuddling and bonding with my awesome fiance. I also joined Instagram, but I don't really know how it works yet, so don't quiz me.

Ultimate study companion; Stash by collective arts #hamont

A photo posted by Johanna (@johanna.fraser) on Mar 27, 2016 at 4:13pm PDT

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will stop procrastinating. But, for now I am going to shop online for vegan acrylic paints and take pictures of the cats.

Happy Easter Monday!

-J

Toojoh 2

There is this great book called Zoopolis, which I reviewed about a year ago here, which makes the argument that animals should be understood largely as citizens. This may sound a little whack, but I assure you the point makes some sense. Essentially the authors argue that we should understand each "pet"-animal as an individual being with their own telos, or purpose. They should be allowed to be, so much as it is possible as largely domesticated beings, autonomous. This goes beyond the basic "animals are innocent creatures who deserve our love and protection" argument to which a large number of animal activists subscribe. This means, in part, stop snipping their giblets, stop making decisions for them about when their life should end, and stop just generally treating them like objects. I largely agree. But there is one problem. These creatures cannot tell you how they are feeling, what they want, why they are upset, and when they want to die.

Toojoh's kidney failure has progressed rapidly and his prognosis is not good. He has trouble keeping food down and he is sometimes unsteady on his feet. He has lost a lot of his interest in food and water, and while he still loves his daily snuggle, he spends a lot more time alone in his bed, curled up  in a ball. He can't tell me whether he thinks that his quality of life is what it should be at this point. He can't tell me whether he would rather stay here with me until the end, or return to his caregiver's home to live out the rest of his days. The vet tells us we have done everything that we can to make him comfortable, and if left untreated when we found him, he would have been very unwell and possibly dead already. But Toojoh didn't get to choose whether he stayed there or came with his. Animals in our care cannot be autonomous because they are not autonomous beings. In the wild it is probable that Toojoh would have gone away from his home into some dark part of the woods to die alone long ago. But does that make it right that we should let him die...because that is what he would do in nature? 

I don't think so, but it is something that I wrestle with every time we take him for another test or put him on another medication.

All that being said, we are making decisions for him. The vet has told us that even if we had $10,000 right now to direct towards Toojoh's care it wouldn't be enough to make him better and it would be unlikely that we could extend his life much longer. So, we are bringing him home to his caregiver tomorrow so that he can spend his last weeks or months, or whatever he has left, curled up beside her in his own home, in peace.

We have gotten him the care that he needed so that he can be as comfortable as possible for the rest of his life, however long or short that might be.

And I can't stop crying because I wish that I could just tell him that I am sorry that he feels this way. I can't stop crying because I wish I could ask him what he wants and receive an answer, instead of that sweet, innocent, trusting look he gives me...

And I can't stop crying because I feel selfish for crying...

2 steps forward, 1 step back

Toojoh is doing very well in many respects. He is adjusting to apartment life relatively well, though when he goes outside he really just lights right up.

His new food is still not agreeing with him, but I am assured that it will take weeks to get him back to digesting properly and I have to keep reminding myself to be patient. His skin is clearing up quite well, but the bacterial infection seems to have caused hyperkeretosis (which is a weird skin condition that causes a thickening of the outer layer of skin, which then flakes off and can become quite itchy). It is not a major issue, but it will need some ongoing care to make sure it doesn't get out of hand.

He seems happy all in all but this week developed some blood in his stool and yesterday vomited up his whole dinner. Two steps forward, one step back.

But we are doing what is best for him. And while he many never be healthy again, we can at least make him comfortable. The plan right now is to get him stabilized enough that he can return to his home, which we know he misses very much (when he sees pictures of his human his tail starts wagging like crazy and he gets the biggest smile across his face).

Forgive the bad picture from my phone; Toojoh wondering why I'm taking a picture instead of rubbing his belly!

The cats are getting disinterested in his, which is good for him but not so good for each other because they are back to being enemies! I guess for a while they felt united in their hatred of the new guy, but now he's old news.

Happy Monday!

-J

Understanding that its not all about me

When we took Toojoh into our care I felt like I often do when "rescuing" an animal. On top of the obvious feeling of joy in being able to assist an animal, and the sadness at their situation, I felt a feeling of self-righteousness! Look how kind I am; I can take care of this animal better; how could someone let it get this bad? And on top of this self-righteousness was an immense sadness. I can't believe this poor boy is so sick. It makes me so sad. I feel so sad for him. Why can't I just make him feel better? While I'd genuinely like to believe of myself that my intentions were entirely selfless and that I was taking Toojoh for his health and happiness, I focused a lot of the attention on myself. I've got to spend some of our wedding money,  I pouted to myself, I can't believe this is happening right now of all times.

What I did was, I made it about me.

But, it is not all about me.

Toojoh's health and happiness in this case should be the priority and my emotions regarding his health and his happiness are tertiary at most. Yes, I do believe that my happiness should be a priority for me. But sometimes it is appropriate to set aside your own feelings in order to do what is truly right for someone you love. In this case, I need to try to set aside my feelings to do what is right for Toojoh.

Relatedly, after a great conversation with my lovely friend here in Hamilton, I realized that my happiness cannot be dependent on the happiness of others. This includes my animal friends. I should still feel for them, but in the case of Toojoh, his sickness and his pain should not determine how I feel in every moment of the day. I need to remember to set aside some time to focus on my own needs and feelings as distinct from the needs and feelings of my animal companions. By taking care of myself like this I can become a better caregiver to them because I will no longer be making decisions for them that reflect my own feelings rather than theirs.

Easier said than, done, I guess. But the first step for me is going to be taking an hour to do yoga every day, just for me. The second step is setting aside at least an hour every day for each of my companions where their needs, in that hour, are my only priority. 1 uninterrupted hour for me, 1 uninterrupted hour for each of them.

On another note, my handsome fiance, VOMD, is headed to Ottawa to visit his best man for the weekend and me and the animals have the house to ourselves. I think sappy romance movies and obnoxious pop and country music will probably take up some of our time over the next couple of days while he is away!


Happy Friday!

Johanna

Toojoh update and Getting through

If you don't already know, VOMD and I recently took in a dog who has a number of health issues. He is settling into our home in Hamilton and is scheduled to see a specialist on Monday this coming week. We are very hopeful about his future, but it is difficult to see him feeling so unwell and knowing that his future is uncertain.

 Last year I lost two of my animal friends due to old age and ongoing illnesses. Glenn the rabbit and Bobby Joe the guinea pig, were both getting up in years when I adopted them, but that didn't make their deaths easier to deal with. Losing Glenn especially, who was my cuddle friend, and such a sweet gentle girl, was very traumatizing. Losing a friend is always heartbreaking, but in the case of Toojoh, knowing that no matter what you do it is possible it will not be enough, is very hard to deal with. A very wise and kind friend told me last night, though, that I must remember to be present. Be joyful that he is with us and that he is happy. Don't get caught up thinking about possible futures. I'm going to try to take her advice.

I am lucky to have friends and family who are supportive of my decision to care for Toojoh, and who have always been supportive of my choices to care for animals in the past. We had some friends over for my birthday yesterday and it always feels nice to be around people who love and support you. Also, so far our campaign to raise money for Toojoh's vet bills and medication has had a few generous donors who have definitely given us more hope for this beautiful boy.

But I still cry a lot and try to steal myself away from him if I start to get sad. I want him to only be surrounded by joy and kindness. Animals, like small children, don't need to hear their caregiver cry about them. And animals are particularly receptive to emotions.

I'm trying not to be sad, and VOMD is making it easier for me to keep a smile on my face throughout this time.

If you would like to donate to Toojoh's campaign you can visit https://www.gofundme.com/Toojoh or if you prefer you can send an email money transfer to fraser.johanna (at) gmail.com

Happy Wednesday, folks.

-J