Inspired by my sister's sassy, sarcastic, and mostly just smart responses to stupid comments from non-vegans (read it here!), I have decided to share some from my own experience.
Q: How do you live off of just vegetables?
A: I know it's super confusing that the words vegetarian and vegan have the same root word as vegetable, but this does not mean that all I do is eat carrots and celery all day. I eat a well-balanced diet full of vegetables, fruits, seeds, nuts, beans, grains, herbs, and more.
Q: Why is all vegan food so weird?
A: I have literally seen meat eaters consume pig ears, deep friend pig skin, intestines (sausages anyone?), blood pudding, and fish ovum. Yuck. So, I'm sorry if my faux meat made of wheat protein and blended chickpeas sounds "weird" to you.
Q: Is that why you're so skinny? (yeah, stole this one...but c'mon)
A: First, my BMI is in the healthy range and I have had the same body type since I was 17 years old when my ass started filling out and my boobs stopped growing. Second, I am not even a little bit skinny. My hip measurement is 41 inches. If your ass were as big as mine the last thing you would refer to yourself as would be skinny. Not being overweight like the average Westerner does not mean I'm skinny. It means I'm at a significantly reduced risk for diabetes and heart disease.
Q: Why don't you stop eating plants too? Their technically alive, aren't they?
A: Yes, they are alive. But when you show me a plant that cries when you take it's babies away, who run from its assailants, and who bleeds when you shoot it with one of those shitty but apparently 'humane' nail guns that are used to slaughter cows, then I promise I won't eat that plant, okay?
Q: Isn't it hard to not eat meat?
A: Is it hard for you to not jump off a bridge!? But seriously, is it hard for you to not eat your couch? It is super difficult for you to stop yourself from going to town on that delicious, scrumptious little morsel you leave in your damn toilet bowl every morning? Believe it or not, I don't find animal products remotely appealing. The smell of bacon doesn't make my mouth water; it makes me gag. And watching someone chow down on a bowl of chocolate iced cream, or drinking a glass of whole milk, or slicing up a big chunk of cheese does not make me want to take it from them and shove it into my face. it makes me want to show them pictures of where that shit came from and watch them try to keep it down when they see the amount of puss and blood that is in every single one of those products. And furthermore, I am not a f*cking child and have developed the tiniest amount of this thing called self control. It's the same thing that stops me from slapping you in the face when you ask me this stupid question. So, even if I did find that crap remotely appealing, I have the presence of mind to not turn into a complete psycho and consume every piece of meat in sight.
Q: So, do you swallow?
A: I hate you. You're disgusting. Go away.
Q: Do you feed your cat meat?
A: Yes. I DO feed my carnivorous animal companions animal products. Yes, It breaks my heart. Yes, I gag every single time I open one of those cans of blended, nasty, gooey flesh. No, I don't think this makes me a bad vegan; it makes me a good cat caregiver. If there was a healthy alternative for my animal friends, then I would choose that option instead, but I care about the health of all animals and sadly this requires some sacrifice on my part.
Q: Why are you such a picky eater?
A: I literally am willing to consume every single things on the planet that is actually food. You will NEVER hear me complain about a vegan meal, even if it is made of (gag) eggplant or (gag more) chickpea flour. Animals, like rocks, or babies, or fibreglass, or picture frames, are not food. On the other hand, I know numerous meat eaters who won't eat almost any vegetables, or bread that isn't made of bleached-beyond-recognition white flour, and who have kids who refuse to eat anything except hot dogs on white buns with ketchup. Yet, in spite of this, I'm picky.
Q: Did you know that chickens lay eggs even if you don't eat them? Isn't that a waste.
A: I also ovulate regularly, and I've just been flushing my ovum down the toilet every month. Would you like me to save my periods for you? No? That's not the same thing? Yes it is. Suck a lemon.
Q: Why do you still eat honey if you're a vegan?
A: First, why do you still wear pants if you're a woman? See how shitty it is to be asked stupid, demeaning questions? Second, I only eat locally produced honey from apiaries that are as cruelty free as possible (yes, I have visited the farm from which I buy my honey). I don't, though, eat sugar that is produced using bone char, buy anything made of silk, and I don't wear wool. I'm pretty sure on the scale of completely vegan to psychotic serial animal murderer, I'm closer to vegan. So, forgive me for not specifying that I am completely vegan except for this one thing that I do that not all vegans agree with. I will also say, that of the vegans I have met since becoming vegan myself in 2011, only about three of 500 refuse to eat honey; and even those three didn't ask me why I call myself vegan but still eat honey.
Q: I could NEVER be vegan. (OK, this isn't really a question.)
A: First, I really don't care whether or not you could ever be vegan. Did I tell you that you have to be? No. No I did not. (But let's be honest, you should be). Second, yes you really, really could.
That's it (well...not really it but that's all I can bare to share without pulling my hair out).
On another note, here's a super cute picture of my friend Lego. She's kind of amazing, even though she eats everything in sight and hates having her nails cut.
Happy Friday!
-J
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