Toojoh 2

There is this great book called Zoopolis, which I reviewed about a year ago here, which makes the argument that animals should be understood largely as citizens. This may sound a little whack, but I assure you the point makes some sense. Essentially the authors argue that we should understand each "pet"-animal as an individual being with their own telos, or purpose. They should be allowed to be, so much as it is possible as largely domesticated beings, autonomous. This goes beyond the basic "animals are innocent creatures who deserve our love and protection" argument to which a large number of animal activists subscribe. This means, in part, stop snipping their giblets, stop making decisions for them about when their life should end, and stop just generally treating them like objects. I largely agree. But there is one problem. These creatures cannot tell you how they are feeling, what they want, why they are upset, and when they want to die.

Toojoh's kidney failure has progressed rapidly and his prognosis is not good. He has trouble keeping food down and he is sometimes unsteady on his feet. He has lost a lot of his interest in food and water, and while he still loves his daily snuggle, he spends a lot more time alone in his bed, curled up  in a ball. He can't tell me whether he thinks that his quality of life is what it should be at this point. He can't tell me whether he would rather stay here with me until the end, or return to his caregiver's home to live out the rest of his days. The vet tells us we have done everything that we can to make him comfortable, and if left untreated when we found him, he would have been very unwell and possibly dead already. But Toojoh didn't get to choose whether he stayed there or came with his. Animals in our care cannot be autonomous because they are not autonomous beings. In the wild it is probable that Toojoh would have gone away from his home into some dark part of the woods to die alone long ago. But does that make it right that we should let him die...because that is what he would do in nature? 

I don't think so, but it is something that I wrestle with every time we take him for another test or put him on another medication.

All that being said, we are making decisions for him. The vet has told us that even if we had $10,000 right now to direct towards Toojoh's care it wouldn't be enough to make him better and it would be unlikely that we could extend his life much longer. So, we are bringing him home to his caregiver tomorrow so that he can spend his last weeks or months, or whatever he has left, curled up beside her in his own home, in peace.

We have gotten him the care that he needed so that he can be as comfortable as possible for the rest of his life, however long or short that might be.

And I can't stop crying because I wish that I could just tell him that I am sorry that he feels this way. I can't stop crying because I wish I could ask him what he wants and receive an answer, instead of that sweet, innocent, trusting look he gives me...

And I can't stop crying because I feel selfish for crying...