Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Fat, Blemished, Stretch-Marked, Scarred, Beautiful

One day about four years ago when I first started struggling with my skin I was walking home from work and I was having a particularly good day. I was wearing a new pencil skirt that I have picked up from Valu Village that made me look like my waist to hip ratio made no sense whatsoever, and my hair was blowing in the wind. I felt beautiful. I was going home to see my then-boyfriend, who would be off work soon.

But then a car drove by me, quite slowly, and the young man behind the wheel yelled something that I had never had yelled at me before and that I will probably remember forever: "Pizza Face!"

I will admit that I never struggled with my weight or my appearance much in high school. At a time when people were wearing makeup to cover their acne and struggling with their body image, I was blissfully content with my physical appearance. But adulthood (and veganism, it turns out) brought with it skin problems and weight gain that I had never experienced before.

That day, when I was called pizza face, was the first time I had ever cried because of the way I look. (I am embarrassed to say that I cried, because our culture thinks that crying makes you weak, shows that you are a wimp... crying in our culture is misconstrued as passive aggressive, a guilt trip, a plea for attention. It is unacceptable. It is girly. It is stupid.)

But I am not the only who cries, or who has hated themselves. Who has stayed inside so as not to be seen. Who has canceled plans with friends because of a breakout or a "fat day".

Many people, even kind, intelligent, well-educated people still struggle with the concept of body positivity. I was once guilty of this myself. I saw people who were overweight and I would think to myself I would never let myself get that way. I would see someone with bad skin and think wow, they really don't take care of themselves.  But part of becoming an intelligent, well-rounded adult is that you become critical of the ways that you view and treat others. Unfortunately in my case it took feeling shitty about myself to realize how shitty I was being to other people. I wish that I could have come to that without having to make it about me. You shouldn't have to feel shitty about yourself to realize that you are being shitty towards others.

Tell me if any of this sounds familiar. I have a dear friend who constantly criticizes overweight people he sees on those electric scooter wheelchairs. He says they are lazy. When he sees a woman wearing shorts that are too short he says that it is slutty. When he sees a woman who is wearing clothing that do not hide her fat, he says is is gross. He says they should learn to dress for their weight. When he sees someone wearing too much makeup he says it looks awful and that they clearly don't have any self-esteem (as though their low self-esteem is their fault and not a product of our culture). He tells me that men like women who take care of themselves, who care about how they look and about their health. But he also tells me that men like women who don't look like they are trying too hard.

You probably feel like I am describing someone you know quite well, or maybe yourself. But that truth is, I am describing our culture, as it is represented in one young, effortlessly fit, acne free white male.

When I defend someone to this friend, when I say "you can't just assume that person is lazy; you shouldn't say that people are gross; you should respect their right to choose what they please; you should try to understand the inclination to look beautiful by societal standards" I am told that "being fat is unhealthy; wearing clothes that don't fit "sends the wrong message" or is "asking for it" and that you should be able to see past society's obsession with physical beauty and not wear makeup"...

I want to ask him: But why do you give a flying fuck? Why does it matter to you that someone may be unhealthy? Why does it matter if they feel sexy in the clothes they choose? Why do you care if someone has low self-esteem and must wear makeup to make themselves feel better? And how can you possibly know what motivates any of these people  to look or act the way they do? What is the perfect level of beauty that will demonstrate to you that someone cares about how they look but doesn't look like they are trying too hard? What is the perfect weight to demonstrate that someone cares about their health but also likes to eat and doesn't give a shit about what society thinks their body looks like? Am I at that level? Am I too fat, too thin, too slutty? Do I wear too much makeup? When I wear makeup does it look like I don't care, or does it look like I'm trying too hard? Are my shorts too short are my stretch marks too visible, do my scars freak you out? Do I seem lazy? Do you judge me like you judge these other people? Do you hold your friends to a higher or lower standard than you hold strangers? If you can think these things about someone you know nothing about, what can you possibly think of me, your dear friend?

When I tell you that people are beautiful regardless of their weight, their skin, their hair, their makeup, their clothes, what I mean is that in spite of whether or not you find looking at them pleasing, they are deserving of the same level of respect you would give to someone you do find pleasing. You are not the compass that points to true beauty north. You are one person, and you are fucked up just like the rest of us. You have crooked teeth and messy hair and skinny arms and freckles and body acne and body odour. You are beautiful. I have stretch marks and scars and blemishes and love handles. I am beautiful. They are fat, thin, tall, short, fully clothed or nearly naked, made up or makeup free, loud, quiet, uneducated, intelligent, lazy, motivated, self-conscious, proud. They are beautiful.

But what might make them more beautiful than you, what might push them way over the top, what might make them outshine you in any arena, is that they just might be kind. They just might be non-judgmental. They just might be committed to everyone's freedom to be themselves. I can honestly say that when you criticize those people, when you remind me that you have this great capacity to be unkind, and that society has warped you so much that you will defend your right to be an asshole, I can't see your kind smile, your beautiful face, your strong cheek bones, your intelligence, your socially desirable height and weight. All I see is ugliness. And your criticism backfires on you. And the person you criticize becomes even more beautiful than they already were.


Here is a great article on body-positivity by Ijeomo Oluo in interview with Substantia Jones of the Adipositivity Project (isn't that the most clever name for a body positivity project?!)

Happy Tuesday!

-J

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