This is a post about the word NO (Consent is sexy)

*Warning: this post is about sex and has mature subject matter that may not be suitable or enjoyable for some people*

A friend sent me a video yesterday that aims to teach people about the concept of consent. It is actually a super brilliant video. It makes a kind of humorous comparison between offering someone tea and offering someone sex. Watch it, if you haven't already.

It is so important that people really grasp the concept of consent. It is not conceptual; it is not negotiable. Yes is yes and no is no. Also, no yes is also no. A yes then a no is also a no. Silence is no. A pressured yes is a no.

I think we all sort of get the concept of consent as it relates to casual sexual relationships...or at least we find it easier to understand. But what so many people still struggle with is the concept of consent in a long term monogamous relationship. 

Let me just start by saying this: It is NOT your responsibility or duty to fulfill your partner's sexual desires. You do NOT have to have sex with your partner if you do not feel like having sex. You do NOT have to do anything sexually with your partner that makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or unhappy.

It is completely absurd that in a regular relationship intimate partners are often expected to continue to have the same sexual interests throughout their entire relationship...and if they don't, they  are expected to fake it. If early in the relationship I'm really into kink and all I want to be tied up, and if I want you to spank me and maybe choke me a bit, if later on I decide that I actually like soft, vanilla, missionary sex more, then I'm being unfair. If in the beginning I tell my partner that I like sex in the morning because it wakes me up and makes me feel energized, then later on I decide that I don't want to have sex in the morning because I'm tired and don't feel well, and stayed up late the night before, or whatever the reason may be, I shouldn't have to hear you say "but you used to like this". 

In the beginning of a relationship sex is often a central theme. You have sex multiple times a day, and are late for meetings and social events because sex is more fun than a night out with friends. But as you are with someone longer, sometimes sex is no longer a priority. If this is the case for one partner and not the other, sometimes one partner will make the other feel shitty about not wanting to have sex: "but I have needs and you are supposed to fulfill them". Sometimes the partner who doesn't want sex will give in and will have sex with their partner even though they don't want to. They will feel pressured, and worry that the other person won't love them anymore if they do not fulfill this apparent "duty". 

But please remember, you do not have to fake it. If you want to fake it, and it makes you happy to fake it, and you do not feel uncomfortable or unhappy faking it, and you have not been pressured or manipulated into faking it, then fine. You always have a choice. But you do not have to and should not be expected to. If you are uncomfortable with something your partner is doing sexually, you should not feel you can not tell them because you are afraid to turn them off or hurt their feelings. ( "If I don't want your finger in my ass, I am going to tell you. I don't care that being criticized makes you soft, it's MY ass.") 

But please know this: you do not have any responsibility to fulfill the sexual desires of your intimate partner. Sex may be a central part of your relationship, and maybe it is even the glue that holds you together, but that does not mean that you have any obligation to put out if you do not want to. If your partner is using guilt to get you to do sexual things, or if you are using guilt to get your partner to do sexual things, it is sexual assault. Submission is not consent. If you say no to your partner and they have sex with you anyway, it is rape. If you are asleep and are awoken by your partner having sex with you without your consent, it is rape. If your partner pressures you, guilts you, or threatens you and you finally give in, this is rape. It is not consent. This is true regardless of gender. 

Please have a conversation with your partner about consent. You do not have to write a formal contract or anything (but in some cases of kink and BDSM this may be a great way to protect both of your interests, and remember that even in kink, there should be a way to tell your partner you've had enough) but ask them what they think about the concept of consent in an intimate relationship. And please don't worry that consent will ruin the mood. Seriously. That makes no sense. Consent is not negotiable. It is required. Always. And in fact, it is hot as hell to know that your sexual partner cares about what you want and how and when you like to be touched. If you're getting busy work consent into your interactions before diving in. It can actually make things way more sexy! Instead of just ripping your partners clothes off, tell them you want to, and ask them if they want you to. Instead of just heading downtown without asking, say you really would like to go down on your partner, and ask them if they want you to. While you're having sex, ask your partner if they like what you are doing. Do you like that? Do you want me to go faster? Do you want me to put this in there? Do you want me to move it around a little?

C'mon. Tell me consent doesn't sound sexy now... I dare you.

Here are some (just a few, but there are seriously countless others) examples of what consent is NOT in an intimate relationship:

1. Being "wet" or having a boner. Just because your partner is having a physiological reaction to the situation does not mean they want you to do something about it. A no with a boner is still a no. 
2. Making out and grinding do not mean jump my bones. Your partner may want to make out with you, but that does not give you permission to have sex with them or touch them. If they tell you to not put your hand in their pants right now, then respect that. 
3. Having had sex yesterday. You may have done it yesterday, and he/she might have liked it, but that does not mean they want it today, tomorrow, or ever again for that matter. 
4. Having not had sex yet. You are not owed sex. Just because it's been three months or three years does not mean you get to go for it.
5. Sleepiness. If your partner is exhausted and doesn't have the energy to push you off or say no explicitly, that does not give you permission to go for it. Consent means that both partner must be awake, aware, and in un-pressured, un-manipulated agreement. 

Sex is awesome. It can be fun and beautiful and romantic and wonderful. But it can also be scary and awkward if you feel pressured into doing something that makes you uncomfortable, or that hurts you, just because you and your partner have not had the talk. If your partner threatens you or your relationship's stability because you refuse to do something in the sack, please remember that consent and love are both about mutual respect. If you and your partner are not on the same page about what sex means to your relationship, you have another conversation to have.

from Planned Parenthood instagram

If you think that you are being sexually abused, or if you may wonder whether you have been doing sexual things to your partner that may be sexual assault, please check out this link. 

Happy Thursday, and be safe!

-J